the rabid republican: a tribute

Like spam and pop-up ads, email forwards are one of the more loathsome inventions of the internet age. It seems that every family or group of friends has at least one member that loves to forward emails to other members of the group, somehow oblivious to how much the rest of the group hates forwards and has come to dread the offender's emails.

My grandfather is the offender in my family. 99 times out of 100, grandpa's forwards will come with subject lines written in all caps, often with tags like "I CHECKED THIS AT SNOPES AND IT'S TRUE". Grandpa is ultra-conservative, pro-military, rabidly anti-taxation, anti-immigration, anti-liberal and anti-everything-else-that-Rush-Limbaugh-doesn't-agree-with. He frequently writes letters to the editor of my hometown newspaper, decrying the liberal city council and their misuse of taxpayers' money. For years, he refused to wear any tie if it wasn't a Rush Limbaugh tie. Something about the ties being "without boundaries" (or, more likely, being endorsed by Rush) really appealed to him. Yes, you might say that grandpa has impeccable taste. But I digress.



Grandpa's emails can be pretty embarrassing. I'd be less embarrassed if his emails only went to my immediate family, but they don't. He happens to have nine siblings, which means that I have a million great aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, cousins once removed or something like that, etc. Many of these people happen to be on his distribution list. Maybe that wouldn't even be that bad, but then there are also people outside the family that are also on his list: former colleagues, family friends, and so on. I wonder if they think we support the things said in these emails. I hope not.

Grandpa sent me the following gem, entitled "INTERESTING TAKE ON OBAMA", yesterday:

The O-man, Barack Hussein Obama, is an eloquently tailored empty suit. No resume, no accomplishments, no experience, no original ideas, no understanding of how the economy works, no understanding of how the world works, nothing but abs tract, empty rhetoric devoid of real substance.

He has no real identity. He is half-white, which he rejects. The rest of him is mostly Arab, which he hides but is disclosed by his non-African Arabic surname and his Arabic first and middle names as a way to triply proclaim his Arabic parentage to people in Kenya . Only a small part of him is African Black from his Luo grandmother, which he pretends he is exclusively.

What he isn't, not a genetic drop of, is 'African-American,' the descendant of enslaved Africans brought to America chained in slave ships. He hasn't a single ancestor who was a slave. Instead, his Arab ancestors were slave owners. Slave-trading was the main Arab business in East Africa for centuries until the British ended it.

Let that sink in: Obama is not the descendant of slaves, he is the descendant of slave owners. Thus he makes the perfect Liberal Messiah.

It's something Hillary doesn't understand - how some complete neophyte came out of the blue and stole the Dem nomination from her. Obamamania is beyond politics and reason. It is a true religious cult, whose adherents reject Christianity yet still believe in Original Sin, transferring it from the evil of being human to the evil of being white.

Thus Obama has become the white liberals' Christ, offering absolution from the Sin of Being White. There is no reason or logic behind it, no faults or flaws of his can diminish it, no arguments Hillary could make of any kind can be effective against it. The absurdity of Hypocrisy Clothed In Human Flesh being their Savior is all the more cause for liberals to worship him: Credo quia absurdum, I believe it because it is absurd.

Thank heavens that the voting majority of Americans remain Christian and are in no desperate need of a phony savior.

His candidacy is ridiculous and should not be taken seriously by any thinking American. Pass this on to every thinking American you know!


Now, I do agree with the first paragraph (you asked, Holly). The rest, however, is frightening. It's the same kind of extremism of which I wrote in my previous post, and you'd have to be getting your news and information from a very select few sources to actually take it seriously. I've actually replied to a few of his emails with comments like "nice hysteria" or "Do you actually believe this nonsense?", but it doesn't really matter. I learned long ago that as long as grandpa is 50 years older than me, the wisdom that comes with his age will always trump what anyone else has to say, and this comes out in his replies. It's pretty funny, actually, but only if you have a twisted sense of humor as I do.

Yesterday's email reminded me of an email grandpa sent me before the last election (you know, the one where I grudgingly voted for John Kerry--shhhhh--don't tell him). It's the only email of his I've ever saved, because it was beautiful. It was and is timeless. It was a warning to us about the dangers that lurk behind every Democratic candidate, and liberalism (which he also called socialism) in general.

I thought about posting the email, but I thought that would be disrespectful, since I don't have his permission. I will post one line that jumped out at me, however:

If elected John Kerry would be the richest man to be elected president. (at least with his wife's wealth coupled in) You probably do not realize that for his lifetime we as a nation would be committed to providing security for 5 residences here and possibly more abroad this figure alone is astronomical but you will never hear anything about it.

In light of all the hubbub about John McCain's wealth and homes, I thought that was pretty funny. I wonder if I will get a similar email with a similar comment this year. I'll probably get the email, but I'm sure it will be strangely devoid of references to John McCain's wealth. Funny how those things work out.

Don't think that grandpa is all bad, though. Not even close. Despite the silliness of his forwards and how tiring his Republican shtick can sometimes be, I look at grandpa as one of the best examples I have in my life. I'm not a big believer in examples or role models (like John Lennon, "I just believe in me", ho ho), so I don't make that comment lightly. Grandpa is one of the smartest, hardest working people I know. He grew up on a farm and put himself through school. He was accepted to medical school, dental school and law school, but chose dental school because he thought he could make money more quickly as a dentist, and thus better provide for his family (I believe all three of his children had been born by the time he finished). He was involved in dental politics for much of his career, and retired at the top of his field. He is an example of the kind of hard work and dedication to one's occupation and one's beliefs that I find so appealing--maybe because I find these qualities sorely lacking in today's world. Grandpa's hard work and example paved the way for his children and grandchildren. A lot of who I am and what I believe has to do with grandpa's hard work.

Grandpa and grandma are obsessed with death. Grandpa loves to comment how he is the "oldest male progenitor" on his side of the family. Both he and grandma frequently complain of their ailments when I visit them. A cloud of death hangs over their home, and a dark being with a sickle stands watch over their door. A raft of humor is the only thing that keeps me afloat in the river Styx that they call home and in which they are waist-deep. Based on things he says, I think grandpa sometimes thinks his life has been a waste. I hope he doesn't really believe that. I've told him that he should consider the example he's set, and the way his children and grandchildren have turned out, and feel some sense of pride, some sense of satisfaction. I don't think he's actually heard me when I've said that, though. I can only hope that he has.

My grandpa is a true original. A shining beacon of conservatism in a world that is slowly becoming more liberal. The perfect example of why no one, no matter how partisan or ideological they may be, is all bad--far from it, in fact. I love my grandpa.