homage to black beauty

Your city/highway mpg is understated, which ensures that I will almost always exceed it with glee.

Your temperature gauge is hyper-accurate, but I will never understand why you warn me when the temperature is 37F or less.

Your twin turbochargers are silent so that I can still hear the growl of your inline six engine on those rare occasions when the radio isn't too loud.

Your voice is like a robotic man--we'll call him Bob.

Your iPod integration is superior, which will ensure many hours of ADD-filled music listening and enjoyment.

Your satellite radio isn't XM, but it's the second-best kind offered.

Your descent control ensures that I'll never wear out my brakes in the event mountains spring up in the Midwest.

Your 300lb-ft. of torque are available at 1400 RPM, ensuring that I'll have an absurd ability to accelerate at most normal speeds.

Your 300hp ensure that I'll be able to get up to 100mph before I get on the freeway. Assuming it's dark and there are no cops around and I'm feeling lucky or something like that.

Your seats' lumbar support ensures that I won't sway from side to side when driving like a maniac.

Your all-wheel drive ensures that I will be safe while doing doughnuts in the snow. I think. We'll see when the snow comes. Becca's excited.

Your traction control is "unobtrusive" (so says the nice salesman), which ensures that you'll inexplicably fish-tail from time to time when I'm going 5mph in the office parking garage.

I heart your maintenance plan, which was included in your price. Americans are such suckers for installment debt.

Your heated seats ensure that the five guests I will chauffeur in you each year will have warm bums; I, on the other hand, will rarely use them.

Your climate control is customizable, which is fabulous--I'm getting tired of all that hot air blowing on my feet.

Your stabilization control ensures that I will take many corners twice as fast as I should whilst wearing down your tires four times as fast as I normally would.

Your tires are run-flats, which ensures that I will never have to change a tire. Which also ensures that I'll have to pay through the nose to replace them when they wear out.

Your GPS displays maps from my perspective--oh, how I love those clouds.

Your ability to display every number from my phone ensures that I'll never have to remember a number again.

Your black interior ensures that I will see and cringe at ever speck of dust.

You're a good friend.