the goodness of bacon cannot be overstated

Seriously. There are few dishes that cannot be made better by adding a small slab of crispy, crumbly bacon. Some dishes, like fresh green beans, aren’t even worth eating unless you add the crackling, smoky miracle of bacon to them.

I don’t usually mind buying private label food products. Most of the time, you can’t tell the difference them and their pricier, name brand counterparts. Bacon, however, is one of those foods where you should accept no cheap substitutes. Turkey bacon is for fools. Tofu bacon has been classified as "cruel and unusual" in the Geneva Conventions. “Lean” bacon is not only an oxymoron, but also blasphemy to all that is sacred about bacon. This Holy Church of the Blessed and Beloved Bacon accepts nothing less than Oscar Meyer bacon. Not lean. Not low salt. Not fortified with nine vitamins and minerals. Just plain, old, regular bacon. And it is wonderful. Oscar Meyer (en paz descanse), in his infinite wisdom, struck the perfect balance between meat, fat and salt. It may cost more, but it’s worth it. All hail to this Chief of bacon.

There are surely more expensive forms of bacon out there, and one day I'll have to try them. A Wall Street Journal article written a couple of years ago set the world on fire with its praises of a bacon made on a small farm somewhere in the Midwest. I need to find that article again. It would be my patriotic duty and privilege to prop up the economy by purchasing extra quantities of overpriced bacon.

Some of you may say that bacon is unhealthy. Too fatty. Too salty. Too whatever. You know what I say to that? A life without bacon is no life at all. A life without bacon is a life not worth living. Roger Daltrey of The Who once sang he hoped he'd die before he got old. I hope I die before I can't eat bacon.

The geniuses over at Maxim magazine have a monthly column in which they share a new food with bacon or a bacon tip. There was recently one column in which they recommended making “bacon holders” by crossing two strips of bacon in each indentation of a muffin tin, and then baking them. The finished products could then be filled with scrambled eggs and served to guests (all of whom would surely be in awe of the cook’s brilliance). I need to try this sometime.

Have a favorite use for bacon, or a favorite brand of bacon? Please do share it.