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wisdom in 140 characters or less

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

the elemental states of food

As I was finishing off the last of the Thomas English muffins on our counter, I was thinking about how amazing the English muffin is. They're totally disgusting before they're toasted, and then they miraculously transform into one of the most amazing baked goods ever concocted. Perhaps it's all in my head, but there are many foods that are like this for me. In one state, the food is completely unfit for human consumption; in another, it becomes live-giving elixir fit only for deities. For example:

Raw tomatoes: Vile. Reprehensible.
Pasta sauce: Unbelievable. Lusted after.
Salsa: The war in Iraq is being fought over something less important. A dearth of salsa would send this nation into chaos.

Raw mangoes: Awful.
Mango juice: Not bad.
Mango juice mixed with some other form of juice: I'll have another, please.

Raw zucchini: I can't imagine how anyone ever decided this was edible.
Steamed zucchini: Somehow even worse than raw zucchini.
Stir-fried zucchini: Wow.
Grilled zucchini: Now you're talkin'!

Raw cranberries: The acrid bile that wells up in my throat when I pull into the office parking lot at the beginning of each day is less bitter.
Cranberry sauce: Meh.
Cranberry juice: Getting warmer.
Cranberry juice mixed with some other juice: I've considered injecting it directly into my veins for a faster hit. White cranberry/peach and cranberry/grape blends are some of the most addictive beverages known to man.

Raw pork: I'd rather be put in front of a firing squad.
Pork rinds: Strangely enough, I loved these things when I was younger. What was I thinking?
Roast pork (like Polynesians do): What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, unless, of course, it severely weakens you in the process of trying to kill you.
Pork chops: Hot diggity.
Ham: Hallowed when done right, loathsome when done wrong. If you find a winner, stick with it.
Bacon: Blessed be the most holy name of bacon.

2 comments:

  1. Nice observations. It's been a while since I've had an english muffin. Do you just toast and butter it?

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  2. Yup, I never put anything else on them, unless I'm doing some kind of egg sandwich.

    ReplyDelete