the numbers game

People often talk about guys using numbers to pump themselves up. You know, it's the whole macho thing--whoever has the bigger xxxx has the bigger, er, "package" as well. In my mind, I never get into these kinds of macho contests because I don't really pursue traditional (or, at least, what I consider to be "traditional") male friendships and relationships wherein such comparisons can be made.

That said, I've been thinking a lot about numbers as I've been slowly selling off my CD and DVD collections, and I've come to the conclusion that I've been using the size of these collections to impress and shock others for a long time. After all, what better way to prove to someone that you're a music lover than to tell them how you've got 4000+ CDs, four mp3 players, two surround sound setups for your high-def music formats, etc.? For most people, this is a mind-boggling kind of thing that seems incomprehensible (and probably also stupid, a complete waste of money, etc.). Some of those purchases were, for me, a convenience kind of thing. Yeah, I want my surround sound when I'm hanging out downstairs or upstairs. And I NEED different mp3 players for working out vs. being in the car vs. being in the office vs. doing "serious" listening (I don't, but that's how I ended up having so many). However, now that I'm examining what I have and selling off most of it, I think most of these purchases were simply a matter of vanity. I am, therefore I consume, therefore I inflate my numbers and am more of a man.

I mentioned in a previous blog post how I was surprised to discover items in my closet that I don't remember purchasing. Those items were brand new, and still had the shrinkwrap on them. I had to admit that I was a bit embarrassed and ashamed of myself when I made those discoveries. Those feelings have continued and have actually grown as I've continued selling things off, and have discovered items that I've actually used / listened to before that I have zero recollection of. Did I enjoy them? Were they a good purchase? I have NO idea whatsoever. And that being the case, the easy conclusion I can make is that I must not have enjoyed them that much. I suppose I could always go back and use/listen to these items again to be sure, but that's not really the kind of thing I want to spend my time on right now. And so, for the first time in my life, the numbers are going down. I'm not making a backup of the DVD or CD. No mp3s. No video files. These items are just going into a pile to be sold, and that will be the end of them.

It's possible that I will regret this decision in the months and years to come, but I don't think so. Over the past few years, I've looked back nostalgically on my childhood and remembered fondly the days when I had very little money to buy anything, let alone a CD. This being the case, I would treasure every CD. I would study the artwork and liner notes. I would know the names of every song, and most of the lyrics as well. I would listen to the same CD over and over again, catching every nuance in the music. Fast-forward to my full-time working career, and my behavior changed. I felt like I had to make up for lost time by buying every CD under the sun that carried even remote interest for me. I've purchased as many as 43 CDs at the same time. There is no possible way that any normal person could digest that much music in a short space of time. Now, compound that behavior over roughly a decade. I ended up with 4000+ CDs--a giant collection, to be sure--but I know hardly anything about the majority of those albums. I might recognize the artwork, but could I name you a single song that I liked? Maybe "track 6", but probably not a song title. Do I know all the musicians that played on the album? Can I tell you what year the album was released, how the album was received by critics, or anything pertinent or interesting about the album? Probably not. And so, I came to miss the old me. I missed getting to really know an album. I missed enjoying my music rather than curating it, and that's why I've started to say goodbye to much of it. I'm sure that when this is all said and done, I'll still have hundreds, if not thousands of albums in mp3 format. The difference will be that it will be stuff that I actually listen to, care about, know something about because I LIKE it, and not because it impresses someone else or makes my "package" look bigger.

Already, having that focus is making me feel better about listening to music. To take away my "safety net", I went through and deleted almost all of my music files a few weeks ago. You might think I'm insane for deleting over 100GB of files, but the end result has been a positive one. I feel like I'm rediscovering music and actually listening to it carefully because there are fewer choices to make. I don't feel any kind of obligation to behave a certain way (e.g., "I haven't listened to this album more than once, so that's what I'll listen to"), but rather I choose something that sounds interesting, and I go for it. It's been a lot of fun, and I'm enjoying the process of rediscovery. And, as I mentioned before, a lot of the music sounds better than ever before since my room has improved acoustics...and all I had to do to improve the acoustics was get rid of a bunch of crap.